No matter how much we’d like to protect our children from sadness, tragedy and grief, whether it is from the death of a loved one, a terror attack or a natural disaster, all we can realistically do is help them navigate their way through it.

When Tragedy Strikes

The worst has happened and things seem irrevocably different. You may start to notice changes in yourself and your child. Grief, fear, sadness and anxiety leak out in many different ways. It’s the mind’s (and heart’s) way of saying. “Pay Attention to me, I need help!” Do not expect to ignore them and have them simply go away because they won’t. Instead deal with them head on.

How Sadness, Tragedy and Grief May Present

Remember this is a list of symptoms, not problems, your child may be having. In fact, you might be experiencing some of these as well. In some ways dealing with them is similar to treating an infection, once the root cause is properly addressed the symptoms will lessen. Unlike an infection though, grief doesn’t go away altogether, but it can be turned into a more positive than negative thing.

• Fearfulness, Clinginess and Trouble Separating
• Troubled Sleeping, Eating and Toilet Routines
• Regression to an Earlier Developmental Stage
• Fear of the Future, Denial, Avoidance
• Mood Swings, Increased Emotional Responses, Aggression, Anger
• Blaming, BullyingPhysical Complaints such as stomach aches, headaches, lethargy
• Academic Problems, Poor Concentration, Behavioral Problems at school
• Withdrawal
• Jumpiness or Heightened Startle Response
• Risky Behaviors

Helpful Actions to Take

Communicate

This is the foundation on which everything is built when dealing with any sort of emotion. Open, honest, calm communication. Listen to understand your child and make sure they understand what you say to them. Rephrase

Active Listening

Good communication requires active listening. Your child needs to be really be heard as they process their emotions. Listen to understand and don’t be thinking about you are going to say next. When your child finishes speaking, restate what they said and let them confirm that you understand!

Parents should seek out other adults to help process the majority of their own grief fully so as not to burden their child with both theirs and their parents’. It is important for children to see their parents working through tough emotions so they know it can be done.

Acknowledge Their Feelings

When bad things happen our emotions can be all over the place at first. That’s to be expected. “I hear you, I understand how you’re feeling, I can see how that would be frightening (sad, heavy etc)” tells your child their feelings matter to you and you are there to help.

Answer Questions Honestly

Give age appropriate information. A kindergartener doesn’t need to know as much as a 14 year old about terrorism for example. While you’ll need to be careful about what you share with younger children, be sure that what you do tell them is true. Nothing breaks trust as thoroughly as a lie even if you think it will protect them.

Limit News Coverage

With our 24 hour news cycle your child may be exposed to far too much information that can have a re-traumatizing effect on them so consider limiting their viewing time. “Little pitchers have big ears” is a saying for a reason so be conscious of what you are saying even when you think they aren’t listening.

Create a Safe Environment

When a tragedy occurs, regardless of whether it’s the death of a loved one, a natural disaster, or a school shooting, we all wonder how it will affect us personally. Children, because they are so dependent on others for their care, are apt to feel this much strongly. You can give them realistic reassurance that they will continue to be cared for in the aftermath of the tragedy. Be as specific as possible so they know you aren’t just blowing off their concerns. Giving extra reassurances (hugs, cuddles, sitting close or in your lap) can be a comfort to both you and your child during these times

Maintain a Routine

Even in the aftermath of a tragedy life does go on. So as much as is possible try to maintain your previous routine or, at least, some kind of routine that takes into account new realities. For example if the tornado destroyed the dance studio you aren’t going to be able to keep dance lessons on the schedule… for a while.

Schedule Fun Activities

Fun activities are even more important during bad times. We need the mental break from whatever is going on and to remember even when things are difficult there is still joy and fun in the world. Fun also floods our brains with stress relieving endorphins .

Faith

In times of tragedy it is difficult to understand the why of it all. Some people find a lot of comfort and answers in their faith. Each religion has its own funeral customs. Prayers for those who have passed seems to be universal. Giving flowers and food to the grieving is also common. Each handles the funeral itself differently as well. It will be up to you and your family to decide if attending such ceremonies would be beneficial to provide the beginnings of closure.

Be sensitive to the impressions and preconceptions young children may have. When my mother passed away we told our youngest, who was three at the time, that Grandma had gone to live with Jesus. In his mind, our church was Jesus’ house so every Sunday he was looking for Grandma!

Memorializing

This can be something as simple as giving and receiving a keepsake honoring a loved one. Other ideas for memorializing include a framed photograph, planting a tree or perhaps creating a piece of art in their honor. Your family might also consider donating to relief efforts if that is appropriate. This is a great time to let your children be involved in coming up with how you and they will remember.

Everyone Copes Differently

Some of these ideas will work better for your family than others. Each member of your family will cope differently. One person may need to talk more than another one who needs more alone time. One person may really be helped by painting or journalling while another needs to spend more time in a faith-based activity. Let each person cope in the way that helps them the most.

Give it Time

Unfortunately there is no expiration date on grief. Working through it just takes time. Allow time to do its work. Some days will be going along well and then grief may sneak up on you and knock you down again. Knowing that’s the way it works mean you can plan ahead for those times. Some folks use those times to listen to music, write poetry, visit with others, journal their thoughts and feelings, paint or go for walks.

Be easy on yourself and your children. I often remind people that when the 23rd Psalm says “Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…” it doesn’t mention how long the trip is, but clearly we aren’t meant to set up housekeeping there. Keep moving forward!

More Resources You May Find Helpful

• Help Your Kids Build Life Skills This Summer
• Dealing With Childhood Fears – A Parent’s Guide
• How to Get Your Kids to Open Up
• Handling Sadness, Tragedy and Grief as a Family
• Helping Kids Manage Anxiety